Finding Myself Again

If you’ve been following me over the years, you’ve most likely notices that I’ve mostly gone dark for a little over a year now. I had a major life change forced upon me. I’m not going to go into specific as I’ve always kept my personal life fairly private. I will say that 2021 was a rough year for me, but I’ve learned to find myself again even though I previously hadn’t known I was lost.

There are times in life where you are forced to do things, and to make choices, that you weren’t prepared for. In the show Doctor Who, The Doctor refers to them as “Impossible choices”. You may not want to choose, you may not want to change, but sometimes something happens that forces you to make a very difficult choice; an impossible choice.

It’s these impossible choices that force us to truly find out who we are. Sure, we likely already know, but somewhere along the way we tend to forget who we are; to push ourselves down into the back of our minds all without realizing it over the years. I do not mean that your or I are / were unhappy with our true self suppressed and forgotten about. I was happy, I just didn’t realize what taking another path in life would be like.

I’m not sure if this all makes sense to you, or if I’m just sounding confusing… After what started out as the absolute worst year of my life, I ended 2021 in a very positive way. I found myself again, and unburied myself from deep within the back of my mind. I sorted my way out of depression and back to the person I used to be with some extra added on top. I recognize I’m not 100% where I will be, but it feels great to be back again.

I’ve been focusing on myself, so you may not see much from me yet after this post. We’ll see. I’ve started exercising again (it was about 8 years? since I was in good physical shape) and getting in better shape, and found motivation to be able to concentrate on work again.

“We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one.” - Doctor Who

I went from barely being able to walk a mile at a time in 2020 (due to lower back pain), to running 3+ miles at a time in October 2021. I since have started running almost every day. In early January 2021, I completed the Dopey Challenge at the Disney World Marathon Weekend which consisted of running 48.6 miles in 4 days across 5k, 10k, half marathon, and marathon races in a single weekend. This was quite the endurance challenge, and I was able to successfully complete it! It was the most painful, yet rewarding physical challenge I’ve ever done. I guess you could technically say I’m both a runner and an athlete now. Or you could say I’m insane, because “who would do that?” Haha I actually plan to do it again next year!

I had run randomly in 2021 mostly, but started doing it seriously in October 2021. The beginning of October 2021, running a mile felt like I was going to do. I pushed my limits and ran every other day. By middle of November 2021, I could run a 10k (6.2 miles) continuously again after not being able to do this for many years. After 3 months of training and pushing myself to the limit every other day, I completed the Dopey Challenge at Disney World. I went from “yeah I can sort of run” to “I’m an athlete and running is my sport” in 3 months. You’d be amazed what you can do, when you push yourself and don’t let failure be an option or excuse.

“Do your best, and forget the rest.” - Tony Horton

Running has become my therapy. It’s great what natural endorphins can do to your mental state, along with the feeling of accomplishing goals you once thought were impossible. I’ve also been going to the gym to lift weights too. I haven’t been doing P90X or P90X3 like I didn’t for a few years that got me in the best shape of my life back in 2011, but I will never forget what Tony Horton has taught me about health, fitness, and doing your best.

Everyday I’m competing with who I used to be in a way that I never have in my life before. Instead of giving up on life, I doubled down on the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” mentality; along with “fuck it, you only live once, just do it.”

Don’t complete or compare yourself with other people. Only look at where you’ve been, where you are, and where you can go. Other people don’t matter. Only YOU matter. You do you, regardless of others. After all, they don’t care about your as much as they care about themselves, so why let them affect you so much?

Here’s Kid Rock’s song Born Free that has helped me. Not sure why, but it hit right:

I don’t know if this post makes sense fully. I just thought I’d share a bit of a personal look, show some vulnerability, of what I’ve been going through. If you’re having hard times yourself, as we all do at times, just know there are people out there who will help you. You’re not as alone as you may feel. And, you’re much stronger than you realize! What ever you do, please reach deep inside, find yourself, and find your strength; it’s in there waiting for you to find it again!

Here’s another song that has hit me: “I been thru a lot” by Tech N9ne:

“But I know that fear is the thing in life blockin’ so many blessins” - Tech N9ne